Monday, July 2, 2012

The Diva Inside

Lately me and my sister have become addicted to a show called "Drop Dead Diva", about a ditzy model who dies and somehow comes back to earth in the body of an uber successful lawyer who died at the same time she did.  The character struggles to adapt her old life with her new life, as she is not allowed to tell anyone who she really is and must pretend to be "Jane" while still being her old self "Deb".  As I was watching the show this last week, I realized that I often feel the same way about myself, only with me it's the pre-brain damage Carly vs. the post-brain damage Carly.  Although now that I think about it, it might be more than just brain damage, I'm sure the move across the country and back also played heavily into my warped personality. 
Every so often I get these random waves of nostalgia as I think of the old me and wish I had some of those characteristics still.  Sometimes I wish I still knew the entire starting lineup of the Boston Red Sox off the top of my head and that I watched ESPN every night.  Sometimes I wish that I was still the translator for the USA websites of a couple Italian rock bands.  Sometimes I wish I had the energy to go to various activities, including operas, hikes, movies and social events.  Sometimes I wish I still could write amazing stories.  Sometimes I wish that I still had the brash confidence to fulfill my dreams on the spur of the moment, no matter how crazy they were.  Sometimes I wish that my brain didn't hurt as I try to commit things to memory or that it didn't take 110% of my effort to stay focused. 
Having said that, however, there are changes to my personality that I do like, and that I am grateful for.  I'm a lot more patient now.  While I suddenly struggle a lot more in social situations, I have a lot more compassion and ability to relate and care for the patients at work that I see.  I rely more on the Lord than on my own "strength". 
Hopefully as time goes on, I'll be able to re-incorporate old habits I miss into the new me, and become even better than either the old me or the present me.  I discovered ESPN3, which will help me in my sports viewing.  I randomly bought a violin to teach myself how to play, just for fun.  And hopefully I'll be better and watching RAI and staying involved in my Italian.  I also have tickets to a baseball game and an opera, so I feel like progress is being made. 

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