Thursday, December 2, 2010

10 Ways To Know You Live In A Hick Town In The Middle Of Nowhwere

This post is inspired by a conversation I had a week ago with a couple of co-workers. We were talking about how we were all from small towns and were wondering which of us lived in the most podunk town. I don’t think we ever came to a conclusion, but upon further reflection I feel like I should win that award, because not only do I come from a hick town, but it is also in the middle of nowhere. My co-workers live in towns that are remote, but within an hour can get to somewhere a little more civilized, whereas I have to travel about 3 hours before hitting a “big” city. And so here it is, my ode to living in Central Oregon, 10 ways to know that you live in a hick town in the middle of nowhere:
#10—You give directions like turn at the pine tree.
#9—Names are ever so descriptive, like Alfalfa, where everyone who lives there grows alfalfa. Or Bend, so named because that’s where the river bends. Or Crooked River.
#8—In 150 miles from the border of California to my home town I passed more national forests, state parks, lakes, volcanoes, lava caves and mountains than I did towns. By like a factor of 20. At least.
#7—Have you ever heard of Oregon Institute of Technology? Me neither. But they exist. And clearly they don’t get many students, since they still haven’t invented technology akin to a snow plow, since I drove 150 miles on pure snow, on a sunny day.
#6—I once saw a postcard that had a picture of an old dude in a cowboy hat glaring at a UFO. The caption said “Must be those darn Californians again”. It’s a pretty universal view.
#5—The #1 most coveted job in high school is working at the ghetto bowling alley. Only the really cool popular people can get that job. The rest have to work at gas stations. High school jobs often become life careers as well. Unless you’re lucky enough to get hired by Wal-Mart after graduation.
#4—The most happening time of the day is Happy Hour at the fast food burger joint Sonic, followed by the social outing of the day at Wal-Mart.
#3—Our county fair is mostly like any other fair, with all the rides and carnival games, but there’s also a bazillion barns full of every kind of livestock imaginable. And let’s not forget the ginormous rodeo that’s going on all days of the fair. And pretty much the only musicians that come to our county fair are country singers. Unless you count Weird Al.
#2—On Thanksgiving morning me and my mom had to run to the grocery store to pick up some last minute supplies. And so we went in pajamas, hair not done, no make-up, no shower, no bra. All that was missing was the slippers, but there was a foot of snow outside, so that wasn’t going to happen. The best part, everyone else in the grocery store was dressed EXACTLY the same.
#1—Chainsaw Creations. I’ve never been inside this store, but every time I drive by it makes me want to laugh. There are literally giant wooden totem pole-like bears, or any other kind of animal you could want. All made from chainsaws. Really???

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