Brain Damage=Alone Forever

First and foremost, I have brain damage. But if you read my blog, you probably know that already. One of the biggest effects of my brain damage is my inability to fall asleep and my inability to stay asleep. I try to compensate by going to bed quite early in order to maximize the amount of hours slept each night. Especially since I have to get up at 5am to make an hour bike ride to work, where I must interact with a large number of people in a very energetic and cheerful manner for 8 hours straight.

The second important thing to know in order to understand the rest of this particular post is my living situation. I live in a room called the "orphanage". This room is a large master bedroom that has been fixed to fit as many people as possible in order to have as cheap of rent as possible. So there are currently 3 girls in the room, including me.

So I'd had a pretty tiring week up to this point. I hadn't been sleeping very well the previous few nights, and I was looking forward to trying to get a decent night sleep this night. So I had turned the lights off gone to bed at my normal early hour (the same hour that happens at every night since I have lived in said "orphanage"), when 15 minutes into my attempt to fall asleep a roommate comes barging in, turned on the lights and proclaimed in a loud voice that she had just called boys to help her move her twin bed out of the room and assemble a new full bed. The worst part, I don't think it even entered into her mind one bit how inconsiderate this actually was. There was no emergency, we had plenty of places in the house to store the new bed til a more convenient hour to assemble the bed, and I highly doubt 3 boys were even necessary at any stage of this unfortunate event.

It took a long time for this changing of the beds to occur. All the big bright lights were on the entire time, despite the fact we have a plethora of other lighting options they could have easily used. They pretended to whisper in order not to "disturb" me, but that was a joke. One boy was shocked that I would even consider going to bed so ridiculously early. At one point I had to listen to a discussion 2 boys had over me, wondering if I was actually asleep or just ignoring them.

After the initial nightmare was over, my roommate left(leaving the light on of course) to go buy sheets for her bed. After getting up to turn off the lights, I put on some soothing music to try and calm my raging mind enough to try and fall asleep. After 45 min, I was calmed down enough and almost asleep when once again roommate comes barging in turning all the bright lights on, just so she could assemble her bed. Because the hall light wasn't good enough. Or bathroom lights. Or any other number of reasonable choices.

By the time she was all done, it was midnight and I was as wide awake as if it were noon. I knew there was no hope of sleep for hours. All I could do was lay there in seething anger and think about life, which is never a good thing to do when angry. I get that my brain damage is inconvenient for others. My going to bed early must be a huge trial for my other roommates to deal with. Maybe I shouldn't burden others with my presence by sharing a room with them. Clearly I have way too much baggage and should just stay away from all people to make their lives easier.

And while I'm on the topic of brain damage making it hard to get along with other people, how am I going to make new friends in England? Everyone makes friends in the pub, but I'm sure that they're just starting their evening at the pub by the time I'm ready to crawl into bed. And while I don't mind ginger ale or ginger beer, I don't actually like drinking things that aren't water very often, especially sodas, because of all of the sugar content. I'm basically doomed to the life of a hermit.

 Another roommate also informed me that I have bad patterns in my dating life that lead to my lack of love life, and even the fact that I actually am not looking for a relationship right now she claimed was a bad pattern in my life. She basically stated unless I make drastic alterations, I would continue my streak of never getting asked out on dates, never been kissed, never being in a relationship. At this point in my life, I actually don't care. I love Europe more than I can imagine loving any boy, and especially given my most recent interactions with the species called humankind the only sort of future I want it living in a huge mansion by myself, next door to my sister's large mansion.

 At one point during the night though, as I was sobbing and tossing and turning, my mind going to one exteme of thinking I am a horrible person and burdun to people because of my brain damage to the other extreme of all humans are horrible and inferior people and I, in my superior state of being, never want to see another one again, I noticed a package of ginger candy from the one roommate that I adore. So maybe there is a bit of hope. Not all people hate me. And I don't hate all people.