The Parable of the Computer Virus

My problems in life can be likened unto a computer virus.....seriously though, I just got a computer virus this last week (Taylor if you read this, it's because I tried finding that anime TV show you told me I NEEDED to watch and was all online. I never found the episodes, but oh buddy, did I find a computer virus....) Anyway, so in the aftermath of the anger and frustration and the "porque Rosa porque?????", I pondered what lesson Heavenly Father would have me learn from this. (And NO, Shannon, I'm NOT buying your version of the "practical joke" God was playing on me). What I did realize was actually quite profound.
First let me explain a bit about the virus. It was disguised as an anti-spyware program, and it looked exactly like it was part of Windows 7 so it made it seem like a program that had already been on your computer from the beginning of time. All of the sudden it pops up with warnings that the computer has been infected and runs a "scan", which reveals lots of virus's that can only be removed by upgrading the "regular" virus protection to get the version with anti-spyware.
So, I kid you not, my initial reaction was: WHAT. THE. HECK. Stupid virus, stupid computer. I knew that this program was probably the virus itself. But then something tricksy happened. The virus had somehow blocked all of my other programs from me, so I couldn't open the internet, or anything else. All that popped up was more messages from the anti-spyware virus, more diverse and more urgent, telling me I needed to get this upgrade before my computer was destroyed. I suddenly remembered that while I did have a good anti-virus program on my computer, I didn't have any anti-spyware or malware program. And even though at first I KNEW this was a fake, I slowly let my defenses down. I begin to question, "what if?" What if I do have these virus the "scan" was showing me? What if this really is a part of Windows 7? What if there is no other way to get this off my computer? And the messages kept coming and coming, and for what ever lame reason, I couldn't figure out a way around it, except by getting the upgrade offered, which though at first seemed like the worst idea on the face of the planet, now suddenly seemed like the only way to save my computer. And so I caved. Right after I put in all my info and clicked "Buy", I knew without doubt what had just happened and how I fell for the lamest trick in the book, and now in addition to still having a stupid virus, I had to cancel my credit card.
I feel like this was a big reflection of my life lately. There have been a lot of things that Satan has been whispering to me over and over again. Things like "you're not good enough", "you'll never accomplish any of your goals", "your past is too messed up to ever have the future you once dreamed of having", etc., etc. When I first heard these thoughts, I rejected them right away, for clearly they were from the adversary. But one things about Satan, he never gives up. The messages keep coming, each time a little different, each time a little more urgent. And he tries to block the good things from you too. Soon your resistance starts to wear away, and you begin to question, "what if?" And soon you start believing the messages, and thinking that they really are true.
Luckily though, I did recognize the virus, and I was able to get my sister to help me find the program to get rid of the virus. It didn't completely get rid of the virus though, the virus was tricksy and found ways to get around the clean-up. But luckily one of the people in my FHE group works with computers, and he was able to go through my computer and completely fix everything.
And so it is with our lives too. We can do a lot in our lives to get rid of Satan and his influence. But we aren't enough by ourselves, we'll never be able to completely overcome him on our own. But luckily we have an older brother who has all the knowledge and all the power to eradicate the wrongs in our life. Our Savior can do what we cannot, he can fix us and make us clean again, and give us the extra power and strength we need to resist Satan in the future. I'm so grateful for the Atonement of Jesus Christ in my life, and for all that He did for me, and that because of Him, I can be clean again. I can find strength through Him to overcome the temptations of Satan, and He will help me accomplish the goals I have and live a full and happy life. So even though these "virus's" will give us pain and trouble, we have the cure. We have the real "Anti-Virus" who will always protect us from harm if we turn to Him and keep Him in our lives.

Cortez

This story starts a couple weeks ago when I needed new shoes. I wasn’t in the mood for long hours of shopping, so I went into the first store I found, saw a pair of black shoes (the color I needed), appreciated the fact that they happened to be Nikes and thus would help resolve the foot pain I’d developed by buying brands that disagreed with my feet, tried them on, and bought them. End of story. Or so I thought. When I wore them to work the next week, one of my co-workers exclaimed “Cortez Kennedys! That’s SO gangsta!” I had no idea at first that he was even talking about my shoes, and was pretty much uber confused, since nothing I have really ever done in life could really be described as “gangsta”. Later, one of the physical therapists I work with saw my shoes and said “Hey! Cortez Kennedys! That takes me back to my break dancing days! That’s so cool!” It was then I fully realized my new shoes have a reputation. I tried to google them to find out more about the new found reputation, but it didn’t get me very far. Apparently there’s a football player named Cortez Kennedy. And apparently there’s a rap song about the shoes. But that’s all I’ve got so far. But if I start turning out more gangsta by wearing these shoes, I’ll let you know.

Deepest Desire

I’m going to let you in on a secret. It’s my deepest most secretest desire in the whole entire world. The thing that I would love to do most in life is be an author. I want to spend my days writing novels. That’s what I want most out of life. And oh buddy, do I have a bazillion novel ideas. And they are FANTASTIC. Unfortunately, while I seem to have an extreme gift for coming up with brilliant plots and/or characters, my greatest weakness is actually sitting down and putting the whole thing on paper. At best I have a random collection of scattered scenes, nowhere near enough for a publish-worthy book. A few days ago my brother told me I didn’t need to keep coming up with more ideas, since I have so much work to do already with the ideas I have. But after pondering, I decided I disagree. I can’t help when genius strikes, so I might as well jot it down while I can. And many of these story ideas have a special meaning, associated with a certain event or certain emotion that if I don’t write down now, I might never be able to recreate again. Hopefully one day I’ll actually be able to do something with all of my ideas, but if not, at least I have a few blurbs that will entertain my posterity.

Family

I have been really really really wanting a pet lately. A snow leopard is always preferable, but in this case I've been wanting a dog. I realized that part of my wanting a pet comes from the fact that I want to have a family member here with me, and since my brother and sister and parents have their own lives to lead, the only option left would be to get a dog. Growing up, our dogs were always like members of the family. The best part is that they always love you. When I was in the middle of failing out of school and crying on the phone to my mom, she made the comment "Why can't everyone be like Nora? (my little sister's dog) She has unconditional love. She is always there waiting at the door for you to come home, and she's always so excited to see you. Why can't people be like that?" At first I was confused at what this had to do with being kicked out of physical therapy school, but as I ponder it now I realize that it is true. Why can't we be more loving of each other? That really is all that people need. They need people who are always excited to see them when the walk in the door, people who have been waiting for them all day. People who love you no matter what. In short, we all need more family members in our life. We need to treat others like our family, because in reality, we all are members of the same family. We are all brothers and sisters, and children of our Heavenly Father. And we probably all need pets in our life too. If only I lead a stable lifestyle and could get a dog!

A Time to Heal

I want to take some time and document my current brain function, status post traumatic brain injury 2 years ago. I had an epiphany a couple days ago. I had been slightly frustrated with the fact that these days I seem to always be tired, and I hate adding on any activity to my day. This puzzled me, because I used to live a very busy life, and I never felt excessively tired to the point where I didn't want to do anything ever. For example, the fall semester of my senior year at BYU, I got up at 4am every morning, left the apartment by 4:30am to get to my part-time job as a custodian, then had classes from 8am-12pm, then went to my athletic training internship with the football team from 12pm-6:30pm (where, mind you, I was running around with an awkwardly full fanny pack dragging a 10 gallon cooler of water on wheels around), then ate dinner, did a couple hours of homework, then was in bed by 10pm. In addition to the hectic schedule, I was also applying to PT school and finalizing things for my internship in Italy. So needless to say, I was booked out to the max. Yet I wasn't super tired. Sure I took naps, who wouldn't? But I was never scared or anxious if some other activity came up, like hanging out with friends or some church activity. But now, all I do is work an 8 hour day, and attempt to go to the gym for a measly 30 min workout (which I dread every day, despite being an avid gym goer for years). If anyone even suggests adding in some extra event, I freak out and think of a million excuses not to go, because I don't have any extra energy to spare, and my only priority in life is getting to bed on time.

Having said that, I was pondering such unusual circumstance when I realized something. My brain still hasn't completely healed. It's still in the process. And healing takes energy. So of course I'll be extra tired. It's okay. It's normal. And it won't last forever. I need to be okay with not being perfect at this time, with being a little weak. I need to let my body heal.

It's only just recently I've been able to understand most of the ways my brain is different after the accident. Maybe I always knew the differences, but it's only just now that I am beginning to accept them. I definitely have lost my ability to focus as well as I did before. I get distracted a lot more easily. I used to have a photographic short term memory, and I've realized I've lost it. Not because I can't memorize, but because I can't focus enough to let my brain imprint the information. When I really want it, I can still memorize quickly like no other, but if even one little distraction comes up it becomes impossible. It takes me a lot longer to process complex information and make sense of what people are saying (but my processing speed for simple tasks is 99% better than the rest of the nation without brain damage, says my post injury neuropysch assessment). I can’t visualize abstract concepts as well (though my own imagination of tangible things is still working off-the-charts-amazing). My taste buds are finally healing, which has been a joyous discovery. And my sleeping patterns are getting better, and I’m mostly not having disturbing dreams anymore.

Sometimes I still feel though that things are a little foggy, kind of like trying to walk through sand. It’s hard to explain to people, because I don’t have any loss of function, and there is nothing obvious that is wrong, but it just doesn’t fell right. Though I’ve definitely come to accept any weaknesses I have now, and I am not bothered by it in and of itself, I still can’t escape the feeling that so much in life is a competition, and that other people will only like me or accept me if I’m the best at everything. And since I can’t explain that things aren’t quite right, I feel like everyone just assumes I’m not good enough and that’s that. It’s especially hard in the atmosphere of Palo Alto and Stanford sometimes. People here compete just to get their kids in the best preschools, and it’s a pretty cutthroat competition. So of course the rest of their lives seemed to be focused on being the best. Even though most of the people I know well aren’t from this area, I still feel like it rubs off on people sometimes. Everyone is always concerned with success.

Recently I’ve become addicted to the TV show “Community”. I love it because it is a bunch of failures who go to school at a community college. Despite all of their ridiculous problems and the lack of a stellar future, they are happy anyway. I wish people in general were more like that. Brain damage isn’t so daunting when I’m not expected to be “perfect”, a feat I couldn’t have accomplished sans brain damage anyway. I guess I just need to learn better how to rid the sense of competition from my life.

Stress

An interesting story I read that is making me re-think how I handle stress:

A young lady confidently walked around the room while leading and explaining stress management to an audience with a raised glass of water. Everyone knew she was going to ask the ultimate question, 'half empty or half full?'...
She fooled them all ... "How heavy is this glass of water?" she inquired with a smile.
Answers called out ranged from 8 oz. To 20 oz.

She replied, "The absolute weight doesn't matter.
It depends on how long I hold it.
If I hold it for a minute, that's not a problem.
If I hold it for an hour, I'll have an ache in my right arm.
If I hold it for a day, you'll have to call an ambulance.
In each case it's the same weight, but the longer I hold it, the heavier it becomes." She continued, "and that's the way it is with stress.
If we carry our burdens all the time, sooner or later, as the burden becomes increasingly heavy, we won't be able to carry on."
"As with the glass of water, you have to put it down for a while and rest before holding it again. When we're refreshed, we can carry on with the burden - holding stress longer and better each time practiced."

Oracle Betrayed

I read this book the other day and it sparked some great pondering on my part. The premise of the book, more or less, is that there is one person in the city that is declared "Speaker", who is able to hear the god's voice and tell the rest of the people. In the book, the girl who has the title has become corrupt and no longer hears the voice but declares her own will, so the god chooses another girl and of course drama ensues.
What I loved most about this book was the dialogue between the god and the girl he chose as his own speaker. It reminded me how we all should be in our communications with our Heavenly Father. We always need to be open to receiving His voice and trust that He is God and He has a bigger plan and He knows what He is doing. He will always take care of us if we listen to Him. God is always there listening to what we say. He is very aware of everything that is going on in our lives at all times. If we take time to listen, He will guide us in the direction that we need to go, even if it seems like the answer doesn't make sense. He truly knows what is best for all of His children, for He loves them dearly and wants them back with Him. We must always communicate with God. We must pray, read the scriptures, and listen to the guidance of the Holy Ghost, and we must do these things constantly. We should never be apart from God, at any second of any day. He is always there for us, are we there for Him?